I used to be in band in junior high and high school. I remember in 6th grade I tried out for the flute and the clarinet. My band teacher told me he needed me in the drum section, as it was painfully obvious I was tone deaf... :) so, began my drumming career. I played the snare drum, and actually really enjoyed it. I liked playing the different traps and being able to keep the beat for the rest of the band was kinda exhilerating. I learned to play bass and cymbals as well, and in high school even played set in the pep band. It was really quite fun. And probably theraputic in many ways, to be able to pound out frustrations on an inanimate object. Wait...I mean...yeah...
I played through my junior year and in my senior year I dropped out completely of band. Why? For a long time I chalked it up to just not having 'enough time.' That's always a good excuse, right?
Well, the truth is, even then, I wasn't really a quitter. I've always been kinda type-A when it comes to finishing a task...until of course, I became a mother and then I just had to learn to walk away and forget it until the baby stopped screaming or supper was prepared or the spilled cereal was cleaned up, etc.
But, back to high school band....so, the real truth is- I quit band because I was so scared that year. I was running away from God, despite His clear calling and persuing me. I was running away because that year I suffered great loss. Three people in my life died tragically that year. It was too much too bear for me.
One of them was my favorite teacher, my band teacher, Mr. Fred Albro. The one who discovered my tone-deafness...
His death rocked me to my core. I saw him every single day at school. He teased me relentlessly. ALWAYS. He pushed me farther then I'd ever been pushed to succeed. But he allowed me the opportunity and gave me the encouragement I needed to step out and do what I was most afraid to do- play that big drum set in front of all those people at all those basketball games. I still think I didn't know what I was doing, but he always encouraged me. To this day, I can see his face. See his smile. I remember the time he threw the eraser at me...and almost hit me...
Two other friends of mine also died that year- one from leukemia and one in a car accident.
But the death of Mr. Albro was by far the most painful and most difficult and the reason I couldn't be in band again. I couldn't even set foot in the band room. And I didn't again until after I graduated.
After those three deaths in a matter of mere months, I ran from the relentless pursuit of God. I don't know what was going on in my head, but I didn't want to hear the voice of God, yet I for sure wanted Him to hear me. I wanted him to know how angry all of this had made me. I wanted him to know how hard all of it was. I wanted him to know how badly I hurt inside. How I felt like at any moment I might crack and fall to pieces and never be able to be put back together again. But, I wouldn't let myself crack, Instead, I tried to quietly and slowly destroy the life He'd given me. I didn't go off the deep end, I truly believe because the Lord showed me great favor and grace, but I tried in several ways to make myself punish for my rebellion, which I clearly knew was wrong...
Praise God, He was relentless, His love for me never changed and I ran into His arms several years later and He has held me tight ever since.
But that fear, that self-perceived need to be punished still shows its ugly head. Just as in the Garden of Eden, when the crafty, cunning serpent so easily deceived Eve, his same tactics work on me, even today.
I've been thinking of those days in my life recently. I look back and wonder how my parents survived those years. I wonder if they really even knew the depths of my hurt. I really don't think anyone did. Yet, God my Father did. He knew each one personally, because you see, he had already felt each one on the cross. I just didn't know that then. I just didn't understand how safe His arms were. I just didn't want to think about the price He had paid for my sins. I couldn't fathom that He had taken that punishment that I knew I so rightly deserved.
I think I've mostly been remembering those days recently because I see in Ethan more and more some of my traits...that is soooo scary, by the way. Seeing yourself in these precious babes God gives us to train and care for. One thing I see is that he has rythym and is always tapping out the beat to the song playing or to the one we are singing or just to the one in his head. He loves the drums and I often catch him in the storage room at church practicing on the drum set there. So, that is pretty cool- seeing him develop a shared interst of mine. Then there are things, like sin struggles, faith struggles that are not so cool to see in my not-so-little man. Just this week, he shared with me how hard it is for him to understand how he can just all out talk with God. Like, how is he supposed to talk with him like he and I talk? He struggles with how to change out of the practice of acting on his own desires as opposed to acting out of what He knows is God's desire for him. He shared with me his frustrations that night- "I accepted Jesus, then got baptized...now what?"
Good questions. Little man-boy. Mama. Two completely different people. Same struggles.
This call to make disciples rests so heavy on my heart. And the thing is- I don't even have to walk out the front door to do it. God has given me these three little people to make disciples. What a privilege. What a weight.
So that night, I wanted to run.
How Lord, do I train this little man-boy. He is growing so fast. And I mess up so terribly every day with him. This world pulls at him. He seeks you, but my example speaks louder than anything I can ever speak to him.
And, God in his mercy and grace speaks to me. He speaks for me.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice!
Have mercy also upon me, and answer me.
8 When You said, “Seek My face,”
My heart said to You, “Your face, LORD, I will seek.”
9 Do not hide Your face from me;
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not leave me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation.
10 When my father and my mother forsake me,
Then the LORD will take care of me.
Psalm 27:7-10
'For the LORD your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you" Deuteronomy 4:31
So, God in His infinite wisdom has used this week to remind me of His awesome power. He has used this week to remind me of who He is. He has reminded me again of my first love- Him; of the gift of marriage- Matt; of the blessing of children- Ethan, Isabelle, and Audrey; and of His call on my life.
I started reading the book, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I'm only on chapter one, but even in the first few pages of the introduction I was caught up in great worship and drawn into a sweet embrace with my heavenly Father I've not quite expereinced before in a book other than the Bible itself. I've been journaling like crazy and there's some real uncomfortable-ness happening in my heart...in a good, Potter-molding-the-clay way.
I've been a Christian about thirteen years now and this week, a simple few moments with my sweet son and some awesome moments with my Great God have brought me back to those years long ago and caused me to revisit those moments when I began tackling all the Big Questions in life. And it is such a good thing. It is so good to revisit that time before you surrendered your life to Jesus. It is so good to go back to the Cross, with Him, be there in that moment, when He breathed your name.
Never let God become so common that He becomes familiar and lacks awe.
He is the I AM. He dweels in unapproachable light; He is the Glorious One, yet He comes near to us, draws us to Him, left that light to enter the darkness of this world and took every single sin upon Him. He is on one knee, asking each one of us for our hand in marriage. Eternal bliss lies in wait. Will you reach out. Will you give Him Your hand. Will you enter into matrimony with Your Almighty?
He is HOLY, HOLY, HOLY! Perfect, set-apart. There is nothing that can compare to Him. No words can describe Him. He reached down in love, succumbed to death, to give us life. To give me life.
Today I read through 1 Peter 1.
I must: prepare my mind (Romans 12:1-2 and take every thought captive), be self-controlled (Galatians 5:22, Proverbs 15:1), set my hope freely on the grace given me by Jesus.
"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us..."
A.W. Tozer
Then, there's this song that keeps me running. Straight to Him. Maybe it will with you, too.
http://youtu.be/FJ2_Gg6ka-k
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