Today, at the end of a long, emotional day, you came in to the office just to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. I watched you walk away, trying to keep the tears from falling, but my vision grew blurry as they welled up and threaten to burst.
As I watched you walk away, I thought, "Let me hold on longer, Lord."
"Long ago you came to me, a miracle of firsts:
first smiles and teeth and baby steps, a sunbeam on the burst.
But one day you will move away
and leave to me your past,
And I will be left thinking of a lifetime of your lasts..."
"The last time when you ran to me,
still small enough to hold.
The last time that you said you'd marry
me when you grew old.
Precious, simple moments and
bright flashes from your past-
Would I have held on longer if
I'd known they were your last?"
"Our last adventure to the park,
your final midday nap,
The last time when you wore your favorite faded baseball cap."
"I look ahead and dream of days
that haven't come to pass.
But as I do, I sometimes miss today's sweet, precious lasts..."
"The last time when I shout that yes,
your room is still a mess.
The last time that you spend the night with your old, tattered bear.
My life keeps moving faster,
stealing precious days that pass.
I want to hold on longer-
want to recognize your lasts."
"I've watched you grow and barely noticed
seasons as they pass.
If I could freeze the hands of time,
I'd hold on to your lasts."
"For come some bright fall morning,
you'll be going far away...
I'll watch you leave and think how fast
our time together passed..."
(excerpts take from the book, "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury)
The seasons have passed far too quickly, it is true. I do find myself thinking upon days to come, and also find myself remembering days gone by- so much simpler in some ways, although in the moment, they did not appear to be.
Yet, my hope is strong and secure, steadfast. Those days yet to come, I know, are in the hands of the One who knit you together in my womb. Those days I remember fondly of watching your legs and knees move across my stomach while my heart filled with wonder, excitement, and awe in our great God. I watch you today and I feel that same wonder, that same excitement, and that same awe.
Our great God not only knit you together in my womb, he also has a great plan for your life, one that he unfolds more and more each day. You've grown into such a bright, kind, and caring young man. Still a friend to all, and one who loves deep and feels even deeper. A young man with laughs and smiles and a contagious joy.
I long to hold on to you longer, it's so true. But the more I let go, the greater my awe and wonder grows and the more I realize you were never given to me to hold on to. All these years of lasts have led to more and more firsts. And all of these things I've treasured in my heart. I love being your mom, Ethan Matthew. You've brought me great joy as I watch you walk with Jesus.
The meaning of your middle name is 'gift of God.'
You truly are a gift of God to me; a gift given only to be loosely kept. One to be cared for lovingly, until the day when the gift is to be given again, given to the One who created and gave first, so that your life might be used for His glory and for His kingdom purpose.
I know that day is coming soon...and until then, I'll continue to watch with wonder and awe, giving thanks that I am the blessed one who calls you son.
And I'll hold on longer until that day arrives.
Happy fifteenth birthday (again), Buddy.
Love,
Mom
