Who am I?

I've picked up my worn, tattered copy of My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. this is the devotional I've had with me through many highs and lows. It is the one I've used the longest and the one that I've come to love. I've read and reread it faithfully. There have been times I've laid it down for a season. I've picked it up again recently and, as always, it has been a great blessing to me.

Today's devotional was based on Mark 10:32. Scripture reads:
"As they followed they were afraid." (KJV)

Even as Jesus led the disciples and others, they were afraid. In this passage, we find Jesus leading them into Jerusalem and we're told the disciples were amazed and astonished and filled with awe (NKJV, NIV, NLT) then we are told 'they' were afraid or overwhelmed with fear. The identity of these fearful ones remains somewhat a mystery as some texts read 'they' (NKJV) and some read 'those that followed' (ESV, NIV) and some say 'the people following behind' (NLT). Either way, it seems there is some distinction between the disciples who were amazed and astonished and filled with awe (which could mean they were fearful) and the others in the group who were just plain scared.

Whether or not Jesus' disciples, those closest to him, wre truly scared or not, there were those in that group who were. Even the disciples seemed to sense something big was going on, as the scriptures do tell us they were awed at Christ as he led them on the road that day.

"There is an aspect of Jesus that chills even a disciple's heart to its depth and makes his entire spiritual life gasp for air."
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, March 15 entry

I remember being in the Colorado Rockies for the first time in my life in January. It was the first time my whole family and I had been in cold weather like that or even seen snow in about 5 years. We were based in Denver, and it was for sure cold there, but the city had seen little snow so far. As we drove out of the city on the way to the mountains, we began to feel the air getting colder and colder and we noticed the ground becoming whiter and whiter. Our excitement was at a high- we were in the mountains! We were seeing snow! As we neared our destination, we just couldn't stand it any longer! Matt pulled the car over to a shoulder along the mountainside and we all got out and took it all in! The massive mountains, the cold, fresh air, the snow everywhere and something else, too. Something fierce and strong and different was noticed right away by all of us. It seemed the air had been sucked right out of our lungs. I remember how amazing the blast of cold air felt against my face and how intense the wind was as it seemed to suck out all the air in my lungs. It was a little scary, I'll admit. We were at nearly 12,000 feet in the air, looking at the vast Rocky Mountains- above us, around us and below us. A spontaneous snowball fight broke out. The feelings were exhilarating and intense- wonderful and terrifying the feeling of having to breathe deeper, slower trying to fill up my lungs. We were filled with excitement as we piled back in the car, cheeks and noses all red. Several of us commented on the tightness in our chests and we had a quick lesson on elevation sickness, the importance of taking breaks, and drinking what might feel like excessive amounts of water to allow our bodies to compensate for the elevation.

Aren't our lives with Christ just like how our bodies react to cold temperatures, high elevation and lack of water? Sometimes as we follow Christ, the air seems to be sucked right out of us, just like we felt that first time in the Rockies.

Everything we need is right in His Word. he gave everything up for us and we follow Him in obedience. We love Him and we trust Him. But sometimes the ride, the wind, the cold, the sights, the mountains, they all become overwhelming and we become downright terrified. We freeze and we fight against what happened or is happening and we choke and we gasp for air. All confidence seems to escape us and we look at He who leads us and doubt sets in.

And there we are on our way to Jerusalem, Jesus leading the way, just like the disciples. We are afraid, just like them.

A favorite part of our Colorado trip was the day we spent on the mountain skiing and snowboarding. I doubt anyone of us will forget that day as long as we live. There is nothing like being at the top of a mountain, seeing God's creation all around you and then moving a little bit to start the process of going down the mountain- or so I've been told, as I never made it to the mountain top that day :) I was the official picture taker :) and I quite enjoyed my post!

But think of your life. Think about being on a spiritual mountain in your life, think about the times when you've felt the presence of God in and undeniable way. This life is not about staying on the mountain top. Once we get there, we have to keep moving. Every little step moves us closer to heading down the mountain. Often, that is the scariest part. I know my three children and my dear husband  can attest to the thrill of going down that mountain, though. Being at the top gives you the feeling of never wanting to go back down, but then you discover ride down is thrilling, with its twists and turns, even the bumps and falls. Then you arrive at the bottom and what do you do?

Head right back up again!

Over and over I watched the girls go up and down the mountain, intent on making the most of each time. Ethan was intent and purposeful in his trips. It was harder for him, and he fell many times, but he kept at it and improved with each trip. he loved it, despite the bumps and bruises he gained along the way.

Once we get to the bottom of the mountain the fear that was present at the top turns to joy and we regain our confidence and go and do it again.

Our journey with Christ becomes one of joy!

We also went ice skating on our trip- which was a true adventure! the day was blistery cold as we started out, but as we began inching our way around the frozen lake, the day warmed up and we began to shed layers.

It made me think about how quickly things change. What appeared to  a cold, blustery day warmed into a beautiful fairly warm winter day. By this time in the year, the ice on  that same lake has probably begun to melt away and water has probably begun to break through the ice.

What do you do when you find the air becoming warm around you again- find it easier to breathe, long gone the tightness that was present in the blistery cold of the winter?

Peter once found himself in the middle of a lake in a boat, remember?

And, he found Jesus there, too.

Jesus, amazingly, never leaves us.

Despite our erratic and unpredictable behavior, he never changes. Always there, ready to lead us, patient as we figure out how to follow.

So, after the lake thaws, the cold is gone, we find ourselves in a boat, like Peter and we see HIM- Jesus- walking towards us- ON THE WATER!

Awe and amazement fill our hearts. And, let's be honest, we're terrified!

We freeze, not from cold as in the season before, but because it's Him! Again, we find Him right where we are. Calling to us. Calling to you! calling to me!!

He wants us to step out of that boat and walk to Him- as in walk ON THE WATER!

Again, you are afraid, just like me, right? Just like the disciples were.

Sure, HE'S doing it, but He's Jesus! He's supposed to do things like that, right?

So, what do we do? What do you do? What do I do?

We step out in faith and obedience. He is Jesus and He is our Savior and He is calling to us so we go. We step out of the boat and we find that we are doing it! We are walking on water!

With God all things are possible!!!

Yet, we all know what happens next with Peter. He looks around, pays attention to the storm and not to Jesus, and he doubts, loses faith and begins to sink.

In a moment of desperation, he calls out to Jesus, "Save me!"

And what did Jesus do?

He caught him, right where Peter was at, immediately.

The same is true today with you and with me.

Jesus never leaves us- he never fails us. Every day of my life there are moments like these. times when I am in awe of Christ and who He is and what He has done for me, of His power, and of His grace. And there are also moments when I take my eyes off of Him for just a second, when I listen to the wind and the storm all around me and I falter. I begin to sink.

And there I am, arms flailing as I struggle to get my balance, and the moment I cry out, He immediately pulls me up.

"Oh you of little faith? Why did you doubt?"
Matthew 14:31

What do we make of this up and down journey that makes up our life Christ?

Should we just throw in the towel- give up- give in to the fact that we just can't do it? Admit we just don't cut?

In part the answer is 'Yes' and in part the answer is 'No.'

We absolutely should not give up on Christ. Never. He never gives up on us. He died for us- exactly as we are. He knew in his dying moments on the cross every sin we ever committed- all of us. He knows us and knows exactly how we are. There is no one too bad for him or for his love. Peter's experience of walking on water shows us that Christ will NOT give up on us. No matter how little our faith. Jesus saved Peter. He saves you and he saves me. Every.single.day.

But each of us must recognize that Jesus saved Peter not from the waves but from himself- from the sea of doubt and fear about to take him over.

And that is the reason the answer to the above question is also in part 'yes.' Because yes, we need to give up- give up our own understanding, our own desires, our own way- and follow Christ, rely on His understanding, and His way. We need to give in to the fact that we can't do it on our own or in our strength. We must allow Christ to be our source of strength. We must allow His Spirit to be the guiding, compelling force in our lives.

And then we need to embrace these times in our lives and recognize the beauty that comes only through them; not because of them. Christ works in us as we go through them and we are changed by the Holy Spirit when we embrace them.

It is then that we gain the ability to follow Jesus truly and gain with that inexpressible, wonderful joy!