Stains...

I have a friend whose blog is titled "A glimpse into my heart...stains and all..." Isn't that just a great title? My friend and I have shared our testimonies with each other- both complete with many stains...but what I love about her is that you can see Christ so clearly through those stains and the mark they've left on her life...

I know many people with the thought that missionaries are these "superspiritual" people who've got this thing we call life figured out. Maybe you are thinking that missionaries are those people who have it all figured out so they are the ones qualified to go, right? If you are one of those people and do not want your bubble burst (and it hasn't already been burst by reading previuos entries about our lives...), take heed and do NOT read any further...The reality is that, most of us (at least most misionaries that we've met over the past two years) are exactly the opposite of "superspiritual." When I hear the word "superspiritual" I think of the Pharisees. Which leads me to not want any part of "superspiritualism." What you'll find in our lives are pasts that were marked with stains that are now washed whiter than snow. But along the way, we fall, and thus stand up and once again, find our knees stained from the fall. The beauty of our God is that his mercies are new every morning and his grace is sufficient to get us up and standing once again and to keep us moving forward, forgetting what is behind and straining forward to what is ahead. (Phillipians 3:13) Our lives are full of examples that show how weak and un-qualified we are for the life we've been called to live. However, unfortunately at times, I beleive we've also exhibited moments that come close to being "superspiritual." I personally have (figuratively) covered my knees in an effort to hide those stains. I have trouble letting it show sometimes that I DO NOT...I repeat...I DO NOT have it all together. But, it is super hard for me to admit that sometimes. I do not like to fail...so I try really hard to make it seem there are no stains. But thankfully my God won't allow me to live my life that way. He has given me a Companion who will not let me hide for long. The Holy Spirit has helped me work through this desire to hide my stains from the world this past year. He has given me friends like the one I've been talking about in this post to help me see the better way, although maybe much more difficult, is to allow God to shine through those moments when my stains are the most noticeable. I am so thankful for the many people God has blessed me with the privelege of calling friends. Praise be to Him who is greater than he that is in the world!

One other thought, the one that actually lead to this post came to me as I was reading in a devotional book called Voices of the Faithful. It is a compilation of hundreds of devotionals from actual IMB missionaries from across the world. Beth Moore gives the intorduction to each chapter- and I just love her way with words and her willingnes to embrace the stains she carries and use them for God's glory. Many people speak of sacrifice today. Living here in Costa Rica sometimes does not seem like a sacrifice with the almost perfect weather (not counting the rain) and most modern conviences. The one thing that really feels like a sacrifice is being away from family and loved ones. If there is one thing that makes everything else seem out of whack it is that for me. For Matt it is something else. But what I cry out most to the Lord about is the deep pain that comes from not being near them. Recently we've been trying to plan a reunion for November with our families. We have to leave the country and had thought about trying to meet at least our parents and possibly a few other family members in Florida. (Florida because sometimes we can find fairly cheap flights from here to there). So, we've been looking for quite sometime. While the flight is fairly cheap, it will still be over $1200.00 to fly there and then we would have the cost of the hotel and a rental car...So, we've pretty much decided not to do that. We've thought about heading to Indiana and for a laugh checked prices for tickets. We can fly to O'Hare for less $350.00 a person, but you can do the math and with 5 of us it just is not cheap...So, here I sit today and wonder "Why, God, does it have to be so hard to be away from them and so hard and so expensive to even get to see them once or twice a year?" Well, my answer came in the form of several scriptures that are dear to my heart... "If anyone would come after me, he must take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life for me will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." (Luke 9:23) My single greatest challenge is daily dying to myself in order to allow Christ to live more fully in me. This involves the endurance to deny myself the pleasures of my flesh- like having my family and loved ones close by. The second scripture that spoke to me was Galations 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." WOW! To love me so much, that he gave his life for me...and I cry to him because I miss my family...And finally, the third scripture God gave me today was Romans 12:1 where we are urged to "offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God" and this is being our spiritual act of worship. This is the part that really hit home tonight. The sacrifice of leaving behind my family to follow the call God has placed on our lives is only bearable when I remember that what we sacrifice for Christ, He will turn to gain. It is not my life to live anymore. I've been crucified with him and He now lives in me. But when I feel most deeply affected by the distance that physically separates my family and I, God is asking me to turn that into worship of Him. I asked myself tonight when the most moving times of worship have been in my life. They've been when I've felt intense, deep pain. And that is how He spoke to me tonight. As much as I desire to spend time with our families, that may not be what he has planned for us for November. I've got to praise Him either way. No matter how deep the pain, I've got to use it to worship Him and to bring Him glory. Beth Moore says it best this way, "God seems to whisper, Worship Me with it, (Beth). Bring that ache to My altar, and I will esteem it as a lavish offering. Trust Him. Worship him. And count your loss but gain."