Do you not know?

The Holy Spirit is trying to teach me many things right now, although I am not a very good student, I admit. My heart is stubborn and at times hard. But, ultimately I desire to follow his teachings, His leadings, and to grow closer to Him. This thing called grace is so big it just blows my mind. It doesn't matter to my Savior what I do, how far I stray, He waits patiently for my return and is there when I arrive, arms open, already having forgotten that I had strayed. There is nothing I can ever do to earn His love nor His grace. He just gives it freely to me, the one He chose, to bear lasting fruit for Him, knowing full well my imperfections, yet chose me while I was lost in sin.

Yesterday God used a dirty, strung-out, barely clothed desperate woman who was begging for money in the middle of the street to remind me that He lives in me and in all of His children. I have seen this woman several times in the same spot, doing exactly the same thing. She is obviously a slave to the addiction of one or many drugs and every time I have seen her, shows the signs of addiction in her constant swagger, wild movements and lack of care for her body. The same man is always with her and yesterday he was sitting on the side of the road watching as she attempted to collect money from passing driver's.

As we approached her, I contemplated closing my window. I was sitting behind the driver's seat, next to window with Audrey on my lap and I knew that an encounter with her would be inevitable. But I resisted the urge to close the window and as we rolled to a stop to wait for the traffic light to change, she approached Matt and said, "Lend me 2 mil, brother" (about $4.00). As she was talking, she glanced back in our direction, saw Audrey and stepped towards our window, saying how cute she was. The woman's face dramatically changed from that of a desperate woman seeking money from a random man to one of love and care as she looked at my youngest daughter. I would be lying to say that I did not want to shield my child from this woman. I would be lying if I said I was thinking of how I could be Jesus to this woman. I was actually praying for the light to change and for us to be able to drive away. The woman, smiling widely, began asking Audrey questions. "How old are you, precious?" Generally Audrey becomes very shy and will not speak to strangers or use her Spanish when we are around. To my great surprise, she held up four fingers and said, "Cuatro" with a big smile. I smiled at the woman. The woman talked for another 30 seconds or so about how cute Audrey was and how tall she was, tall like her daddy she said. She moved back and forth to the driver's side window and our window. She noticed we had a cake in the front seat between Matt and Pastor Rogelio for the church service in Los Guido. "Who's birthday is it?" she asked. "They stayed behind," Rogelio responded kindly. The cake wasn't actually for a birthday, but for the Droke's commissioning, but Rogelio's answer was kind and simple. "That's not fair," she says, "It's their birthday and you took there cake!" Then the light changes, and we begin to move forward with traffic. Before we drive away, she looks one more time at Audrey, smiles and says "Adios."

I really don't know if that woman even remembers our few minute conversation. I may never see her again. But, as we drove away, I felt the Holy Spirit reminding me of the ministry God has given us to take the message of reconciliation to the lost in this world. God wants that woman to be restored to Him, just like He wanted me to be restored to Him years ago. Just like He wants me to continue to restore my relationship with him even now, when I fall, when I fail Him. (2 Corinthians 5:18-21)If only she knew the gift God has for her, maybe her life would be different.

I found this poem on a friend's blog this morning and felt compelled to share it with you.

Do you know, do you understand, that you represent Jesus to me?

Do you know, do you understand that when you treat me with gentleness, it raises the question in my mind that maybe he is gentle, too. Maybe he isn’t someone who laughs when I hurt.

Do you know, do you understand that when you listen to my questions and you don’t laugh I think, “What if Jesus is interested in me too?”

Do you know, do you understand that when I hear you talk about arguments and conflicts and scars from your past, I think, Maybe I am just a regular person instead of a bad, no-good little girl who deserves abuse.”

If you care, I think maybe he cares — and then there’s this flame of hope that burns inside of me and for awhile I am afraid to breathe because it might go out.

Do you know, do you understand that your words are his words? Your face, his face to someone like me?

Please, be who you say you are. Please, God, don’t let this be another trick. Please let this be real. Please.

Do you know, do you understand that you represent Jesus to me? (Seeking Small Groups, Gary Poole) (Thanks, Dave, for sharing this).

"You face, His face to someone like me?...Do you understand that you are Jesus to me?"

Do I really know that I am Jesus to others in this world. To believers and to unbelievers. My very face reflects the face of my Savior.

I often feel weary and tired and worn out. The desperation I see every day takes its toll sometimes. My heart aches for the woman who shared with me yesterday that she doesn't have enough money to buy diapers or formula for her son. She desperately wants to work, but like most, she is here illegally and cannot find work. I didn't sleep well last Tuesday. I tossed and turned thinking about the senseless loss of two lives in Tejarcillos that morning. The desperation of a young man, 20 years old, who would attempt to rob a delivery truck guarded by a man carrying a shot gun at 9:00 am. The situation ultimately ending in the loss of both the young man's life as well as the guard's life.

Desperation and darkness and stronghold and addiction and hurt and anger and hate and captivity.

Sometimes the burden I bear for the lost feels like too much. Sometimes it makes me want to close my window and shut out the ever-present need all around me. Sometimes I feel so weak and so tired.

Love and peace and grace and kindness and gentleness and compassion and hope and faith and caring and LOVE...and SALVATION. JESUS.

Jesus. He died for me and rose from the dead for me. For those I am burdened for, as well. As He carried his cross to Calvary, He thought of me, right here in this moment that I feel so weak. As the nail was pounded into His wrist, both the right and the left, He thought of me. Again, as the nail was pounded into His feet, He thought of me. As His body sagged under it's own weight as the cross was erected and He had to use His own body weight against itself and as his muscles began to tear, He thought of me. As His own body began to grow weak and He asked His Father, my Father, "Why have you forsaken me?" Yet, God had not left Him. It was the Father's great will for His Son to die so that the world would know His great love for it; so that I would know His great love for me (John 3:16). God has not left me, He is here with me. Even in times of personal weakness and physically tired.

I am strengthened today by the hope I have in Christ. I pray that yesterday, the woman we saw in the street, saw Jesus in our faces, in my face. I pray that those I love here see Jesus in me. It is hard to know how to help...how to comprehend the need, how process the hopelessness. Hard not to become tired and weary.

"Do you know know?
Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

It is in Him that I will become strong in times of weariness. It is in Him that I become free of the tiredness.

Also, God promises earlier in the same chapter of Isaiah:
"A voice of one calling:
'In the desert prepare
the way for the LORD;
make straight in the wilderness
a highway for our God.
Every valley shall be raised up,
every mountain and hill made low;
the rough ground shall become level,
the rugged places a plain.
And the glory of the LORD will be revealed,
and all mankind together will see it.
For the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

These words have brought joy and hope to me for many years now. The more I learn, the stronger that hope becomes. These words were written by a prophet who desires to bring hope to a desolate nation held in captivity.

The uniqueness of the Bible, what sets it apart from any other book ever written is that it is alive, living, ACTIVE. What does that mean? It means that the words of this prophet brought great hope to the people of his day, brought the promise of forgiveness and of a Savior. Brought the news that though suffering will always be present, it has refining power for God's people. And the same is true for me and for you today. The same words that brought hope to the Jews then, bring hope to me today. My prayer is that His Word will bring that same Hope to the people of Tejarcillos and all of Costa Rica and to you. That those held captive will be set free. Despite the darkness that has fallen over this city, this country, God has not been defeated. He understands the suffering of the people in a way we can not. He plans what we cannot fathom. He has strength we do not. He has power we do not. He makes smooth the rough and rugged and makes the high become low.

Might you pray today for the lost and broken people held captive that our Mighty God plans to set free. Do you know that you reflect your Savior. Do you know how your face is the face of Jesus? Do you not know that God is the everlasting?

Might you remember,too, that even though you may think as missionaries we are above tiredness, above weariness, above failure...we are not. Might you pray for strength, wisdom and utter reliance on our Savior alone.